Jonathon's Closet

Friday, February 22, 2008

Hang on tight, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

I thought perhaps rock bottom was last year, when I suffered a stroke and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure on top of the fact that my rheumatoid arthritis was heading off the charts.

I was wrong.

I sure as hell hope that RIGHT NOW is rock bottom, because I can't imagine sinking any lower.

I feel like a total fake. I am not getting thru the days, I am simply making it appear as if I am. I work extensively with widows, and my reality is that I am falling apart in a BIG way. And, with the exception of 2 close friends, no one even knows. Sure, there are little hints. But the enormity of the situation? Nope, no one really suspects.

I haven't slept in 4 days. Again.

My stress levels are off the charts.

My ability to cope seems to have disappeared.

If I eat, I throw up. If I don't eat, I get the dry heaves. Pleasant, eh?

I am taking painkillers like candy. And they don't even take the edge off.

I am the person that so many turn to for support. And they don't know that I am falling apart.

My breathing is rapid and uneven. My heart rate tends to race off the charts. I am cold at all times, even when wrapped in an electric blanket. And I cry at nothing, and almost constantly.

I go to work, come home, lie in bed, then get up and do it again. Every once in a while, I manage to make it to the public library to make my lame attempts at human contact.

I have developed NO TOLERANCE for those who are judgmental of others (not that I ever had much tolerance for them in the first place).

To put it simply, I am broken.

Possibly beyond repair.

I have always felt that I had an internal locus of control - that is, the belief that one is largely (though not entirely) in control of the things that happen to him/her. I believed that if you worked hard, you would succeed. I believed that if you treated others right, you would, in turn, be treated right. I believed that if you made the best of even the worst of situations, that everything would turn out ok in the end.

But frankly, life has decided to toss me under the damn bus. And I'm just too f-ing tired to get back up.

If you made it all the way thru these ramblings, you deserve a medal. And this post? This is just the tip of the iceberg.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Oh, how I visual pollution ...

So today I needed to drive. No good reason, just needed it. And even the cold gray day couldn't keep me in.

So, after work this morning, I took off for a drive. And headed to an area that is just chock full of places to go ... which, sadly, means is chock full of signs, reader boards, billboards, and bulletins. Hundreds of 'em.

This assault on my eyes is never welcome. In fact, I consider it to be pollution. It attacks my senses in a way that is simply unacceptable. Except for today.

Today, the signs were different.

Every single one of them.

Instead of advertising the sale items at the grocery store, the prescription special at the store, the roast beef or chicken at the Arby's or the KFC, and whatever financing deal is happening at the local car dealership, every single one of these signs carried a similar message.

Clearly one of our armed forces units came home recently.

And every sign was a welcome home message for a soldier!

"Thank you, Sr. Airman _____"
"Welcome home, Lt. _____"
"Glad to have our troops home safe!"

Every one of them. For a two mile stretch, each and every business participated in this mass-welcoming message!

I do H A T E visual pollution. Really, I do. But today? Today, the signs were welcome.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Cold, gray, dreary

The weather
My mood
Yep, it describes both of 'em.

Eagerly anticipating Spring. I'm beginning to believe that I can feel myself aging in some very not so pleasant ways! I need to feel the sunshine, listen to the rain, see the rebirth of the seasons.

No, it won't solve all the current problems.

But maybe

-just maybe-

it will give the the lift I need to keep moving forward.