Hang on tight, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

I thought perhaps rock bottom was last year, when I suffered a stroke and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure on top of the fact that my rheumatoid arthritis was heading off the charts.

I was wrong.

I sure as hell hope that RIGHT NOW is rock bottom, because I can't imagine sinking any lower.

I feel like a total fake. I am not getting thru the days, I am simply making it appear as if I am. I work extensively with widows, and my reality is that I am falling apart in a BIG way. And, with the exception of 2 close friends, no one even knows. Sure, there are little hints. But the enormity of the situation? Nope, no one really suspects.

I haven't slept in 4 days. Again.

My stress levels are off the charts.

My ability to cope seems to have disappeared.

If I eat, I throw up. If I don't eat, I get the dry heaves. Pleasant, eh?

I am taking painkillers like candy. And they don't even take the edge off.

I am the person that so many turn to for support. And they don't know that I am falling apart.

My breathing is rapid and uneven. My heart rate tends to race off the charts. I am cold at all times, even when wrapped in an electric blanket. And I cry at nothing, and almost constantly.

I go to work, come home, lie in bed, then get up and do it again. Every once in a while, I manage to make it to the public library to make my lame attempts at human contact.

I have developed NO TOLERANCE for those who are judgmental of others (not that I ever had much tolerance for them in the first place).

To put it simply, I am broken.

Possibly beyond repair.

I have always felt that I had an internal locus of control - that is, the belief that one is largely (though not entirely) in control of the things that happen to him/her. I believed that if you worked hard, you would succeed. I believed that if you treated others right, you would, in turn, be treated right. I believed that if you made the best of even the worst of situations, that everything would turn out ok in the end.

But frankly, life has decided to toss me under the damn bus. And I'm just too f-ing tired to get back up.

If you made it all the way thru these ramblings, you deserve a medal. And this post? This is just the tip of the iceberg.