Jonathon's Closet

Friday, February 22, 2008

Hang on tight, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

I thought perhaps rock bottom was last year, when I suffered a stroke and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure on top of the fact that my rheumatoid arthritis was heading off the charts.

I was wrong.

I sure as hell hope that RIGHT NOW is rock bottom, because I can't imagine sinking any lower.

I feel like a total fake. I am not getting thru the days, I am simply making it appear as if I am. I work extensively with widows, and my reality is that I am falling apart in a BIG way. And, with the exception of 2 close friends, no one even knows. Sure, there are little hints. But the enormity of the situation? Nope, no one really suspects.

I haven't slept in 4 days. Again.

My stress levels are off the charts.

My ability to cope seems to have disappeared.

If I eat, I throw up. If I don't eat, I get the dry heaves. Pleasant, eh?

I am taking painkillers like candy. And they don't even take the edge off.

I am the person that so many turn to for support. And they don't know that I am falling apart.

My breathing is rapid and uneven. My heart rate tends to race off the charts. I am cold at all times, even when wrapped in an electric blanket. And I cry at nothing, and almost constantly.

I go to work, come home, lie in bed, then get up and do it again. Every once in a while, I manage to make it to the public library to make my lame attempts at human contact.

I have developed NO TOLERANCE for those who are judgmental of others (not that I ever had much tolerance for them in the first place).

To put it simply, I am broken.

Possibly beyond repair.

I have always felt that I had an internal locus of control - that is, the belief that one is largely (though not entirely) in control of the things that happen to him/her. I believed that if you worked hard, you would succeed. I believed that if you treated others right, you would, in turn, be treated right. I believed that if you made the best of even the worst of situations, that everything would turn out ok in the end.

But frankly, life has decided to toss me under the damn bus. And I'm just too f-ing tired to get back up.

If you made it all the way thru these ramblings, you deserve a medal. And this post? This is just the tip of the iceberg.

7 Comments:

  • I'm so sorry, Kate. :( I wish I could be there for you more. I'm sorry we drifted apart. Please know I'm here all the time if you need anything.

    By Blogger Chaos Mommy, at 10:52 AM  

  • I just wanted you to know that there are people out here that are rooting for you and are worried about you.

    I'm a lurker who found you completely by accident but have kept tabs on your blog because I like that you and your son did this together. I'm halfway across the country and I've never met you but I do know that people need you, espeically your son. I want you to be better. I don't know how to get you there though.

    If you ever need to talk to someone and there's noone else, email me jenniferlefante@aol.com. I'm rooting for you!

    By Blogger momofdom, at 6:07 PM  

  • Hi Kate, I am a lurker as well. I have been following your blog for about a year now, and I admire your courage and the way you keep giving of yourself. Now, it is time for you to take care of yourself. For Jona's sake. He has had enough trauma in his young life and he should not loose his mother as well. I wish I could help in some way.
    -M

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:56 AM  

  • Kate, I am thinking of you. I don't know why life throws so much at one person.

    Maybe you could cut back on your support activities for at least a little while - so you can get support for yourself.

    (((hugs)))

    By Blogger Rosepetal, at 11:51 PM  

  • Yet another "lurker" who wants you to know I care about you, and am concerned for you and Jona.

    Right now, though, you need to take care of YOU. It's totally okay to take a sabbatical from supporting others for a while, to regroup and help yourself. No one with a heart could fault you for that.

    Kate, the language you use reminds me of my mom and other people I've known who have gone through depression. Do you have a local minister or social worker you can talk to about all this? It's okay to lean on someone else right now. We all need to, sometimes.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:36 PM  

  • Kate, I usually lurk as well, but I've come out of the closet so to speak because you really do sound depressed - as if you didn't know that. I worry for you and Jona too. It's time for you to need some support and not be there so much for everyone else, I hope you can find someone for yourself. You can't take care of Jona if you can't take care of you - and I know this myself from a lifelong history of depression, anxiety, and we won't even go into everything else. You can't just will yourself better in situations like this hon, please take of yourself. If you want to e-mail me feel free- famcmt@hotmail.com. I wish you were closer, I'd find you and take you out to lunch. This winter has been miserable in terms of pain and depression for a lot of people. You aren't alone - believe me.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:28 PM  

  • I am here, too.

    I can only offer http://4herway.com/4letterword/

    email me if you want to talk, I will send the phone number.

    By Blogger Valerie - Still Riding, at 4:24 PM  

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