In case you didn't realize: THERE IS A REASON

There is a reason that widows tend to isolate. There is a reason that widows end up isolated. There is a reason that widows are generally destined to a more solitary life than they would have otherwise enjoyed.

Do you want to know what that reason is? That reason is YOU.

Yes, I said YOU.

YOU, the one who is uncomfortable with death and will quickly duck the other way in the grocery store, because YOU don't know what to say. After all, it's all about YOU, right? and YOU just couldn't handle that moment of discomfort - which really is absolutely nothing but the blink of an eye lost in all of time in comparison to what the widow feels every moment of every day.

YOU, who is selfishly unaware that no, the widow really can't be driving the carpool right now, and yes YOU should be stepping up to fill the gap for her but of course YOU won't, because YOU might be inconvenienced by that one small thing that YOU could do to make someone else's life easier during their time of need.

YOU, who prefers not to realize that the loss of a spouse impacts a person's life FOREVER and who acts as if there is a time limit on grieving.

YOU, the one who comments "I don't know what I'd do" - and just for YOU, I have a special message: "That's right - you don't - you have no idea".

YOU, who tosses the word "widow" around carelessly, lessening it's impact and lowering it's meaning. YOU, who sees the start of football season or the opening weekend of deer hunting as an excuse to cough up inane comparisons such as "football widow" and "hunting widow", which is about as appropriate as it would be if I were to use the word "reetard" to describe any child with a disability.

YOU, who asks "so how long have you been divorced?" when meeting an only parent - and for the record, it's not an enjoyable moment for a widow, having to once again deal with the likes of YOU making that assumption.

YOU, who offers the anecdote of "well, at least you don't have to pick up his dirty socks all the time - I'm ready to kill my husband myself" to the widow.

YOU, who chooses to stay in a bad relationship and constantly complain "I hate my husband" - ya know, if that's true? Get the hell out. Life is too damn short to stay in a bad relationship.

YOU, who has the audacity to suggest to the widow that perhaps a new baby would make her feel better - and hey, while I'm thinking of it, does that mean that YOU are offering up YOUR husband for stud? After all, common sense would tell ya that a widow doesn't really have the means at hand to manage to get knocked up. (oh, and by the way - no thanks - I doubt he's much of a catch)

YOU, who abandons your widowed "friend" each and every time you realize that someday YOU likely will be faced with many of these same issues, when that thought frightens YOU, when it just becomes too much to handle, when YOU feel this eminently.

YOU, the one who chooses to weakly and lamely attempt to compare grief and loss, and refuses to be educated, to research, to learn and grow and realize that no other loss, no matter how very painful and how very sad, can be compared to a loss that impacts the family in so many ways as the death of a spouse.

YOU, who 'offers' your religious upbringing as the cure for grief, who shares your opionions on "why" and spews nonsense about "reasons" instead of offering support or friendship. YOU, who offers platitudes and pushes YOUR agenda, instead of offering help.

YOU, the one who chooses to bitch and whine over the color of napkins at a school dance, and about other things of no importance whatsoever in the greater scheme of life. Yes, the greater scheme - because there really IS something out there that is more significant than YOU.

YOU, the one who chooses to complain that someone annoyed you (and then complain about this same person again and again and again) instead of learning to accept that person, to shrug off their eccentricities, to take them with a grain of salt, to accept them for who they are and still find ways to be grateful for their presence in your life.

And there are a LOT more of YOU out there. So many versions of YOU that it would take all night to identify all of YOU. But frankly, YOU exhaust me. And I won't allow YOU any more of my time this evening - because contrary to popular belief? IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.


just a note:

if you see yourself in the above, do something about it. change it. learn. grow. expand your world. become a better person. and know that you are not alone - sadly, you are in the majority.

if you don't see yourself in the above, give yourself a hug. know that you are an exceptional person. when the opportunity presents, encourage others to reach out as well.