Jonathon's Closet

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Bald and twitching in a corner ... well, almost ...

You’re waiting for me to write “and from that day forward, they lived happily ever after”, aren’t you?

Well, that’s not exactly how it happened. See, she totally freaked out. Felt cold from the inside out, couldn't get warm. Couldn’t stop shaking, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. Had recurring nightmares of her husband’s death. Spent hour after hour on the phone long distance with her reasonable best friend – talking and sobbing, absolutely terrified to the point of being practically incoherent, terrified of being at risk of being hurt again. No, not just for a few hours. For a week. Yep, a whole damn week. A total basket case.

The reasonable best friend kept reminding her that “I’ve seen the 2 of you together – it’s all good” and asking all those annoyingly reasonable questions like “what are you afraid of?” and “do you want to be alone?” and “isn’t he worth the risk?” and “why did you go out with him if you didn’t want this?”

And she gave the reasonable best friend answers like “I can’t do this again” and “I won’t make it thru the pain” and “Alone is safe” and “I didn’t realize there was THAT much there – the potential, the chemistry, the emotions – I just didn’t realize they were there – I thought it was safe, he and I are friends, I thought it was safe”.

And the reasonable best friend said “I’ve watched you ‘date’ in the years since Don died. You stay only until you start to feel something. As soon as you become the slightest bit emotionally involved, you pull out. And you’re just pissed off that you can’t retain that distance with this one.”

She told the reasonable best friend of 26 years to get bent. One good thing about a best friend – you can tell a best friend to get bent and they’re still your best friend.

In the meantime, he was calling (the calls were allowed to just ring and ring) and e-mailing (the e-mails simply went unanswered) and feeling very confused and unsure and irritated – and somewhat afraid that he had done something wrong and wanted to apologize and try to make things right. Feeling like he had no other option, he showed up at her office and demanded, “Tell me what happened. Tell me what I did wrong. Tell me what you need. Tell me you don’t want to see me anymore. Just tell me SOMETHING!”

She took the afternoon off, and they left together. They drove to the lake and walked wordlessly hand-in-hand along the tiny beach and as they walked her tears began to flow and as the tears rolled down her cheeks all the fear began to fade away...


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