Jonathon's Closet

Friday, January 19, 2007

Square One?

One of the most often used expressions concerning grieving is "I feel like I'm back to square one". It's like a "hopscotch" of emotions going from one to the other, this "roller coaster ride" of ups and downs. Very often we hear, "I thought I was doing so well. I thought I was past that". We do move ahead little by little, one step at a time. There will be one day you don't cry, then two, then maybe a week or a month.

But then comes the thought or the memory of the wedding you attend, or the birth of a child, or just seeing a happy couple, and Wham! You're back to square one. It hits us like a ton of bricks and the pain is felt all over again. What we are doing is "revisiting square one". We go back there because something triggers the pain we felt at the beginning and we forget what steps have been taken to get to square two, square three and all the steps taken to get to where you are now.

Those of us in Grief Recovery are walking through this together. We don't have to do this alone. We walk together and remind each other that we will get through it, and hold each other up when we "revisit square one". Don't focus too far ahead on the steps that we are yet to take because you'll slip on the one you are on right at this moment. We have no control over their deaths, but we have control over how we accept their death and find ways to learn to live with the knowledge that we must go on with our lives. All of us have been brought together because of the pain; together we can learn to accept, to understand, to reach out to others and to accept from others all the love and support that is given in our group.

Each of us moves forward at our own pace. No one can tell us how fast or how slow to walk or which steps to take, but we can be there for each other to reach out a hand as we take those hopscotch steps and hold on to each other when we fall back for the moment. So when you revisit square one, remember that's where you WERE, not where you are now. Love and pain are the most powerful emotions we experience and grief is pain because of the love. Grief affects our spirit and our health and can consume our every thought.

Face the pain and know that you need to "work through the pain" because hiding or suppressing it does no good. It is a demanding emotion that will surface regardless of how hard we try to run from it. Don't be afraid to let the tears flow. If there were not love there would be no pain and our tears bring healing and cleansing. Don't be afraid to share your fears and your pain with those who have taken further steps than you have. You can gain strength and hope from the many who have learned from "having been there". Listen to the others and they will "tell" you how the fellowship of our network of friends has brought them to a place where they don't fear revisiting square one as they once did. They know now that remembering the pain is a memory of the love and that letting go of the pain is not letting go of the love.


  • That was a beautiful post Kate! Thanks for writing it!

    By Anonymous Amber, at 6:47 PM  

  • ditto. thanks.

    By Blogger Rosepetal, at 9:18 AM  

  • Wow Kate!!! You have totally described what it is like and very beautifully. It so hard for others to understand that though. Thank you for making it so clear. I am going to print this out and let my husband read it. He gets it but he doesn't know what to say to me. I think that he just doesn't want it to hurt me anymore.

    Thank you for sharing that.

    Take care and many, many hugs to you and Jona.


    By Blogger Britmum, at 9:42 AM  

  • Kate, I am thankful that there are people like you out there able to reach out a hand to help others even as they're facing their own pain.

    Know I've been thinking of you (fuzzy headedness and all.)

    By Blogger Sandy, at 8:16 PM  

  • It is amazing how different, yet how very similar the grief journey is.
    Only those who have experienced direct loss can understand it.

    By Blogger angela marie, at 1:52 PM  

  • Hang in there girl.

    By Blogger Valerie - Riding Solo, at 12:34 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home