Jonathon's Closet

Thursday, March 15, 2007

In the interest of public education: Widows Words

Every day I sit here and my tears are just falling and I can't seem to stop sobbing. I don’t think I ever will.

I feel like half a person and think I always will.

I too feel like just half a person. In fact, I feel like no person at all sometimes. As if I am lost in space.

I always told him I didn't know what I'd do if he died first. Now I know. I just merely exist as 1/2 a person. I don’t live, I merely exist.

Early on, I often described myself as feeling like I was only half a person However, the further out I get, the less I feel this way, and the more I just feel like a beaten, bruised and scarred whole person.

Me and him against the world and now its just me. One half of a team. The world feels so cold sometimes because you don't have that #1 support there anymore.

He did complete me; make me feel like a whole person.

I'm trying to rebuild my life but right now, there's no future. The future we had is gone.

I just know that my husband helped me become the person I am and I miss him dearly... I feel lost!

The whole world continues on – blissfully unaware that your world has ceased to exist.

The pain in your heart never ends.

My pain is too great to be able to talk to anyone about it, except with other widows, as they truly are the only ones who are able to understand it.

I am so desperately sad. I don't believe anymore that I have the strength or courage to do this.

Inside I am dying.

The loneliness of not having him here with me is so painful, and there is no way to lessen that pain.

The loneliness is starting to eat me alive.

Who am I supposed to watch the fireworks with?

He was always my support system - in all things. He was always there to help or at least pick up everything that slips through the cracks. Now I have to pick it all up myself.

I am so tired of feeling and rebuilding. I can't wait for the day where I can just start living again without having to work at everything – but that day will never come.

I can't say I'm really better - just more numb.

Just please let me get through. I can't take this. I really can't.

I have fallen way back into the dark hole of grief. I am angry, sad, crying more now than ever. I have no energy and I just miss him so much. Will this ever get better for us? I think its getting worse. Every day its getting worse.

On the way home, I just started crying - more than I have in a long time. Tears were streaming down my cheeks the whole ride home. I don't know what triggered it. Do we ever know?

He truly was my other half. We often talked about having been made for each other. He understood me, even my silly jokes. We fit together. We really were an example of when two become one. Now that's gone. I’m incomplete.

With each passing day, I find that the grief is different. The shock has most assuredly worn off, and the waves of pain still keep crashing. They never stop.

I had a dream last night, reliving every moment of the time my husband died. I have this dream every night.

My life actually probably looks good from the outside. It is the inner turmoil that is so much harder than I allow anyone to know.

I now live in a world of hurt, and the pain is so great I don’t know which end is up.

GOD, please tell me what I am doing wrong... I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND WANT HIM TO COME HOME!!!

I’m supposed to accept the unacceptable; that my love - my everything - is gone forever. And I want to scream when I understand that reality deep down in my gut.

I can't find the energy to put my pain in words.

Somehow we all keep going. No thanks to anyone other than ourselves.

It is not ours, this life I’m living. We will not be in it together, nor will we ever see our dreams come true. It’s the slow losses that are doing me in these days … every day brings with it a new loss.

I thought we were supposed to grow old together.

I woke up this morning with the usual heartache; the knowledge that the house is completely silent sits heavy on my soul.

I need a shoulder to cry on and I want it to be his.

Most days it just hurts to breathe.

People will tell you to move on. To where who in the hell knows??? Just move there. It makes them happy.

I just want my life back.

The pain is unbearable…and unfathomable. And to those who say, “I can’t imagine” – yeah, you’re right – you sure can’t. Now count your blessings.

I feel paralyzed. I can't move, can't work, can't think. I feel completely overwhelmed.

Oh, God this is awful. I NEVER knew what real grief meant until now.

Lots of financial turmoil and awful depression, agitation, restlessness...sleeping in weird short spurts when I’m lucky enough to sleep at all … can’t get up, can't work, can't socialize, can't stop these perpetual crying jags.

I think most of my energy is being poured right now into keeping my family afloat. It’s all mine now. The earning-the-money, the paying-the-bills, the housework, the yard work, the shopping, the repairs, the childcare, the decisions, the responsibility. All of it. It’s all mine.

Nobody seems to understand that this was a blow that shook me to my core, and that I simply can't see the world in the same way any more.

Until someone has lived thru what we have, there is no way on earth they can ever understand.

I am trying so hard to be more understanding of the idiotic things others say, telling myself, 'if they only knew'. Others just cannot understand. They simply can't. But someday they will.

You know that empty feeling, right in the middle of your stomach? Yeah, it really is right in my gut to. It’s such a lost hollow feeling. Nothing fills it. Nothing eases it. Nothing makes it go away.

No one knows unless they have been there just how hard and lonely this road is.

I face each day without him. I raise our children without his support and his strength, I hold down a full-time job, and take care of our home all on my own. I am always tired and worn out. And there is never enough to go around. Not enough money. Not enough of me.

All my time is spent on survival.

Although I had lost several close relatives including a parent, nothing prepared me for the complete devastation that losing my husband would do to my life.

I want a life back and I am so afraid that this is what is left for me; fighting to survive, fighting to maintain sanity, fighting just to see the daylight thru the pain.

Survival is all I can do right now. If it weren’t for my children, I would climb in a hole and never come out.

I want so badly for my life to make sense again. I want to feel like I belong somewhere. Well, somewhere other than this group. But I don’t. Not anymore.

There is a void that follows me everywhere, that has now taken the place of my husband. It is now my constant companion.

I feel lost and lonely with no direction. I FEEL LIKE A STRANGER IN MY OWN LIFE.

2 Comments:

  • I always knew that was how my Mum felt. Maybe that is why she hides in her bottle. I will never know because she doesn't tell me. But I know thats why I have never turned my back on her because I don't know if I could survive if something happened to my husband.

    Take care and hugs to you Kate xx

    By Blogger Britmum, at 5:02 PM  

  • "Early on, I often described myself as feeling like I was only half a person However, the further out I get, the less I feel this way, and the more I just feel like a beaten, bruised and scarred whole person."


    That one. That one feels like how we are since my brother died and how I imagine my sister-in-law may feel...willing to try to live again, but scared as hell to love again.

    By Blogger angela marie, at 5:28 AM  

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