Jonathon's Closet

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Finding me ... a nightly journey

I can feel it building up … slowly, over many days, it builds to an earth-shaking, ear-splitting creshendo.

There are moments when I feel that the emotions inside of me are boiling and building and growing til they just have to erupt; an expolosion that sends fragments of me flying in every direction.

And I cease to exist, lost in the midst of the splinters of my life.

I can hear the words spinning in my mind, screaming at me to listen. I can feel the pain tearing at my soul, begging for peace. And in my mind, I scream into the darkness.

But here in reality, I hold my tongue. My screams are silent. My pain is hidden. Breathe in. Breathe out. Oh, I hope I can remember to breathe!

Focus. Focus on getting thru one more moment. Focus on taking just one more breath. Focus on finding the calm.

And only when alone, in those quiet times of night, do the tears fall.

As I sit typing, I can feel myself regaining control over my unruly emotions. The pain seems to exit my body thru my fingertips on the keyboard and slowly I find my center again.

My center. Me. There I am.

And I sit back and revel in the fact that I am still here, that my soul has survived.
I am still intact.

Until tomorrow.

Still, I must face tomorrow.

(written in November of 1999, being shared today at the request of my friend Proud, herself a beautiful writer)


  • This comment has been removed by the author.

    By Blogger Britmum, at 10:25 AM  

  • I am sorry that I have not been by to comment. I have read but its been crazy in my house. We seem to have visitors constantly and its starting to grow old now if you know what I mean. lol

    This post really touched me. I can relate to it so much. Thank you for sharing and I am so glad that I am not there in my life anymore. That pain is still there though you know just there at the edge.

    Hugs to you sweetie. xxxxx

    P.S. sorry that I deleted my first comment. Did read what I said. Typical of me. xx

    By Blogger Britmum, at 10:26 AM  

  • dear Kate, I see what you are saying about our writings being so similar. even though yours is much more powerful. it brought tears to my eyes, the amount of pain reflected in your words.. and it brought goosebumps, how similar our thoughts were.
    it has been an honor reading your words. thank you for sharing

    By Anonymous proud2bmom3, at 7:11 PM  

  • Thanks for sharing these words Kate. I have a close friend struggling with her grief right now. It's so hard, sometimes, to know how to reach out to her when she's pulling back. Reading this has helped me understand a bit more of where she is. I thank you for that.

    By Blogger Sandy, at 1:44 PM  

  • Thank you so much for reposting this. You have such a powerful writing style! I hope you draw as much stregnth from writing it as I do from reading it. My thanks for allowing us to share in your journey.

    By Blogger Lemon Stand, at 4:07 PM  

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